Straitened Circumstances

Rachel vetoed the insufferably smug pig family and put on Bluey. At least there was a New Zealand connection and she enjoyed the quirky humour. That said, as soon as the kids were settled on the floor with a saucer of mandarin segments, she stretched out on the couch and by the end of the first line of the theme song – diddly dee da dee dum dee dum – she was out to it.

She woke to a small hand patting her cheek.

'One more Bluey, Mummy?'

She looked at the time and laughed, swinging her feet to the floor and kissing her son under the chin where he smelled of fresh bread and milk.

'Looks like you've already had three more!'

'Four,' said Lucy. It was more important to be right than try for an extra show, especially now that she was in the big kids' room at Kindy and possibly too old for Bluey.

'Four!' Rachel pretended outrage even as Ralph's lip began to quiver.

The only chance of getting him away from something he loved was to promise something he loved more.

'We're going to the Supermarket. And if you stay in the trolley and help me, there'll be a treat afterwards.'

'I walk,' said Ralph firmly.

Rachel sighed. Shopping with a free range two year old could take all afternoon. But then, what else would they be doing this holiday Monday? Getting in to Chipmunks or Bouncearama was beyond the budget.

She checked her bank balance on her phone. Slim to nothing and the benefit not due for another week. It would be a small shop.

Squaring her shoulders, she pulled the buggy open and, before putting Ralph in, gave his pants a quick sniff. No need to change him yet, she could make that nappy last a bit longer, but she'd have the inevitable bag of tricks with her and the toilets in the mall had a good changing room if necessary. If the kids would co operate. When they scattered she was totally stumped - how to gather them both up without abandoning the groceries? The last time it happened she sat on the tiles with her face in her hands till they saw she was crying and crept sheepishly back to her. She wasn't really pretending either. Sometimes she wished she could lie full length on the floor and scream like they did.

They would walk, of course, adding another hour to the outing as the kids examined every leaf along the way and had to stand and study their favourite landmarks – except the lions on the gateposts of the big house. They ran past those.

The car was only for emergencies these days, what with the government reneging on indexing the benefit – cost of living increases only and god knows they were more than gobbled up by the actual cost of living – and the orange monster starting yet another war with yet another oil producing country so that petrol was through the roof. Plus, his solution to having that shipping channel blocked was to block it himself. Really! World leaders looked increasingly like pre-schoolers: 'Mum, he's copying me!' 'No I'm not, I did it first.' 'No you didn't, I did!' 'Well, I thought of it first.'

But the sun was out and Lucy skipped alongside the buggy cheerfully. The rabbits at number 61 were conveniently close to the front fence in their little hutch and the barky dog at 93 was inside, his yaps behind the double-glazing merely laughable.

The wind whipped strands of hair across Rachel's face and she tucked them behind her ears. She'd gone curly since her hair wands died with no chance of replacing them. She liked being natural but the springy curls were hard to tame. Still, by skipping haircuts, she'd soon have it long enough to tie up.

She walked along feeling grateful that the kids were chatting happily and she could let her mind idle. Truly the hardest thing about being a single mum was not having anyone to share her thoughts with.

On the way back, Ralph dozed off in the buggy, his massive 'fruit for kids' apple still clutched in his sticky hands. It had served its purpose, distracting him while she swooped him up into the shopping trolley, and when they got home she would slice it for them both to share. Lucy's banana was long gone and had given her energy for the walk home, though she could stand on the back of the buggy if she needed to. With Ralph asleep there'd be no cries of 'my buggy!'

Of course he woke up as soon as they arrived on the porch. Lucy suggested a disco, bless her. It was a long day to fill. Rachel found some music on the radio and turned on the twinkling Christmas lights, left up for just this purpose.

While the kids laughed and danced, her mind returned to their situation as it so often did. After Lucy, she had taken parental leave, shared with Josh so that she was soon back at work. It was hard, and she missed Lucy painfully but they got through and were able to keep up the mortgage payments. When Ralph was born, she thought they would do the same again but suddenly with a change of government, Josh was made redundant and Lucy's department devolved so that her job would be in Palmerston North. Leaving the team broke her heart but there was no way she could commute. So much for the public service providing jobs for life.

Josh's lack of success in the job market made him depressed. No one needed a redundant scientist, or even a supermarket shelf stacker it seemed. He took a teaching position at Auckland university, promising to make it work, but Ralph was barely past his first birthday when the inevitable happened. Josh 'met someone' and moved out and although he was decent about letting the family stay in the house, the financial support he paid was just not enough to make ends meet.

Rachel thought about her options. Any job she applied for needed to bring in enough to cover the mortgage and child care. Unless she retrained as a teacher, and she doubted she had what it would take, few jobs were school hours with holidays off anyway. It seemed unlikely that Josh would leave his money in the house indefinitely so she needed to prepare to move. Perhaps if she went to Nelson her mother would help out with the kids, but that seemed hardly fair when Mum was enjoying a well-earned retirement with her biking friends and trips away. And what jobs were there in Nelson?

She felt stuck as she always did when this train of thought came to mind, often in the middle of the night.

The song on the radio brought her back to her dancing children. It was an old favourite of her Mum's – All you need is Love. Yes, she thought, smiling at the children through tears, even if we're poor I have all the love they need. But me? What about me?

The song ended and Lucy ran over to her, flinging her arms around her waist. Ralph, always a mini me to his sister, joined in and as Rachel collapsed onto the couch in a family huddle she laughed and cried and hugged their little bodies tight.

Then she got up and organised them into small tasks to help make dinner.