Earth to Mars

I've got kooties. Probably had them for a while but you know how it is. At first you think there are hardly any, no harm, they'll go away on their own. Time goes by, you barely notice them. Then suddenly they're a rampaging plague. It's like having scabies under your skin and lice on top, both at the same time.

Yes, of course I've heard of scabies and lice. They're part of nature, aren't they? I might be big but I'm quite capable of noticing small things. Microbes, for example. I'm very grateful to microbes. Without them to kickstart this life business I'd be as barren as you, dear friend.

As I was saying, time goes by so fast. I'd barely got rid of those pesky dinosaurs - noisy, destructive things. Yes, I do take credit. I know the asteroid finished them off but I'd already given them a good blast of volcano. Weakened them for sure and cooled the atmosphere so that cold blooded creatures like them couldn't cope. Clean slate, start again.

Well, not entirely a clean slate. I learned from your example, old buddy. Not a slash and burn. I've put a lot into this beautiful green and blue look and there are some very special details. Tree ferns. Parrots. I know, not the most tuneful but I'm working on it. Lemurs. Such fun, lemurs.

At first I thought humans were harmless, rather interesting really, and they seemed to appreciate my work, even cultivating it – rice, wheat, lovely swaying massed plantings. Well done, I thought. And all those cute varieties of dogs, almost as much fun as lemurs.

But they've gone too far. Bred like  - well, kooties – so that now they're all over me, changing things around. Noisier and more destructive than the dinosaurs. You'd never guess from seeing one bareskinned and shivering but en masse with their ghastly machines... Great Sol, you wouldn't believe it!

So, first, I thought, a bath might help. That was a few millenia ago. But that old buffer took it on himself to save the animals – as if I hadn't thought of that, it was all in hand – and in the process , he saved far too many humans. Off they went again. A couple of seasons and I was covered all over. Another bath recently made barely a dent in their numbers, though they were weeping and wailing about it. They have all sorts of theories and a whole lot more fuss and noise to try to prevent it happening again.

So what next, Mars old friend? Any ideas? A puff or two of volcano? Any sign of an asteroid?

I don't want anything too harsh. It's taken me literally aeons to get the garden the way I like it. I know you like your monochrome red look and I do admit from here, when I see you against the night sky, it is very striking, but I'm a details planet and I've got a collection of treasures that's unique in the solar system, probably in the universe.

Help me out here. I'm so itchy with these damned lice I could scream.